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📈🚨“Q1 ends. Morale does not improve.”
Markets tried to rally, but March still went out limping like a washed-up tech bro at a CrossFit class.
📉 Stocks: Red Quarter, Tariff Hangover
Nasdaq: Down 10% YTD 😬
S&P 500: Worst Q since 2022 📉
Dow: Your uncle’s favorite index, only down 1% 🎖️
👀 Everyone’s waiting for Trump’s Liberation Day (April 2), when reciprocal tariffs go live — on everyone.
🔍 Options Flow: Big Money’s Nervous
SPY: $133M in puts — short-dated $560s leading the charge
QQQ: $20M in puts targeting $430/$440
NVDA: ~$18M in puts — AI honeymoon looks over
GOOG, MSFT, TSLA: Saw defensive positioning
💡 Flow says: market’s scared of near-term volatility, not just macro noise.
🐋 Dark Pools: Whisper Selling
SPY: $600M in dark pool prints — mostly under spot.
AAPL: $346M quietly unloaded.
NVDA: $273M in "don't look at me" exits.
This is stealthy de-risking, not dip-buying.
⚠️ Notables
CELH 🚀 +6% — Energy drinks are the only thing going up
NMAX 💥 +722% IPO madness
TSLA, META, NVDA — still in the red zone
Gold: Hits $3,130 — safe-haven vibes
Oil: Pops 3% on Trump’s threats
Treasuries: Yields sinking = panic hedging
📅 This Week
Tues: JOLTS, ISM
Wed: Tariffpocalypse
Fri: Jobs Report (135K expected)
One miss and we’re in stagflation bingo territory.
💭 Bottom Line
Big money’s hedging. Dark pools are unloading.
And everyone’s watching Trump like he’s about to throw a Molotov cocktail into global trade.
🛡️ Stay hedged. Stay cynical.
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